Jared Allen, Riding On Favre’s Coattails [Satire]

Repudiating an Tarkenton-esque existence of shameful embarrassment, Jared Allen today renounced his former bad attitude and finally acknowledged the fact that the Minnesota Vikings are, in fact, for real.

"I'm the angriest DE in the League. But I was, totally like, 'Favre has got to show himself.' Now I know, I have some catching-up to do," Allen said, after nearly breaking down in tears, following a berating by Twin Cities reporters, all of whom questioned the venerable psycho's almost complete lack of accumulated statistics, three weeks into the 2009 National Football League season.

"It's almost...the dude got a lucky sack," reported an unnamed third-year linebacker. "It's like Randy Moss, all over again. What a tool," Ben Leber did not say. Out loud.

Minnesota Vikings' fans have cause to wonder.

Jared Allen was brought to Minnesota after Brad Childress made the now controversial decision that neither Dennis Green, the most loved coach in the history of the franchise, nor Michael Tice, perhaps the finest head coach in the NFL to get fired for not knowing anything about his job, knew anything about running a defense.

Thus, the Jared Allen Era had begun. And now that Brett Favre is in the fold? It would seem that this one-time, obvious, future Hall-of-Famer has decided that, with so many offensive weapons at Minnesota's disposal, Captain Sack-Happy can chill and let the Bob Schnelker Effect take control.

"Third and 15? Draw play up the middle, right?" Said Allen, shortly after having several drinks with former Vikings' receiver, Chris Carter, well known for not being a clown.

So, a guy gets tripple-teamed and that's his excuse? No way, Mr. Allen. You have clearly copped-out. That's what this reporter has to say. Where's Duane Clemons when you need him?

Read more Minnesota Vikings news on BleacherReport.com

Slow Starts Should Benefit Minnesota Vikings’ Defense

After inheriting a team in chaos in 2006, Brad Childress immediately began the fight to turn around an embarrassing franchise. There is little doubt that the team which was the NFL's joke pile in the early years of the new millennium stands in stark contrast to the Minnesota Vikings of 2009.

Specifically, the Vikings defense has vaulted from an historically abhorrent ineptness to one of the most feared units on the field today.

However, as evidenced by two poor first-half showings early in the 2009 season, fighting to the top is the easy part; maintaining excellence is the real test of a champion.

Granted, it's hard to get all fired up going into games featuring two opponents with a combined total of four wins in the previous season. But lackluster performance is not the response one would expect from overachievers when faced with little to no challenge.

A squad that is told it is among the best, that has consistently performed among the best, and that knows it is among the best inherently has a different mindset than the squad that has set out to prove that it is among the best.

Think Elvis, circa 1974. It is all too easy to languish within the confines of success.

Hopefully, the near disasters in Cleveland and Detroit early in this season—if not for one or two arguably lucky plays midway through both games, as both contests could easily have resulted in humiliating losses—will serve as a wakeup call for the new, vaunted Purple People Eaters.

Vikings fans should be thankful the 2009 season has begun the way it has. With an ever more difficult schedule looming ahead, leading into the team's Week Nine bye, a little complacency and ineffectiveness is just what Minnesota's defense needed.

If this crew is to establish itself as the most dominant defensive squad in the NFL—and it is, or at least can be just that—it needs to regain that sense of urgency, and to maybe get that chip back on their collective shoulders.

Allowing the hapless Detroit Lions to amass 129 rushing yards (94 in the first half alone) should provide this spark. It better.

Suddenly, next week's home opener against San Francisco looks to be the first in a hefty stretch of difficult matchups, which include both Green Bay games, a look at Baltimore's fierce defense, and a harrowing trip to Pittsburgh to challenge the defending Super Bowl Champions.

The 49ers' Frank Gore amassed 246 yards from scrimmage in Week Two, 207 of those yards on the ground.

If anything, the Minnesota Faithful should be pleased to see their defense inspire so many yawns battling two teams which are, by any standard, terrible. Hopefully, E.J. Henderson, Jared Allen, and company have had the fear of failure reinstated as their motivation.

The Vikings defense is now primed to prove a point.

One fact is clear: If the Vikings continue to rest on their laurels, on either side of the ball, this is going to be a disappointing season. The next two games will tell us everything we need to know about who this Minnesota team really is.

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NFC North Division Foes: What the Minnesota Vikings Can Epect In 2009

It is finally upon us.  The waiting is over, teams have broken training camps, the national heavyweights have all chimed in, now the real business of football can begin.

But before the real business of football can begin, we here at Bleacher Report must first bludgeon you with that most reprehensible of journalism cliches, the season preview.

There have been a lot of shakeups in the NFC North this offseason.  Now regarded as one of the strongest divisions in Football, we have taken it upon ourselves to offer you, the reader, a breakdown of the Vikings' opponents in the NFC Norris Division.

The Chicago Bears

The much ballyhooed trade for Jay Cutler has Chicagoland buzzing with excitement and expectations.  Unfortunately for Bears' fans, It will be difficult for Cutler to live up to the hype.

 

Offense

With Jay Cutler at the helm, the Bears are sure to make improvements in their offensive game; however, this isn't saying a whole lot.  While Cutler is clearly an improvement over the likes of Kyle Orton and friends, simply put, there is nobody to throw the ball to in Chicago, with the sole exception of WR Devin Hester (and perhaps TE's Greg Olsen and/or Desmond Clark).

Matt Forte, on the other hand, is a powerhouse and should continue to pile up huge numbers in 2009.  This versatile running back should give opposing defenses fits, though against the Vikings' cartoonishly good defensive squad, Forte should be all but a non-factor this year.

The offensive line in the windy city is an embarrassment.  A mishmash of has-beens and never-will-bees, this collection of lumbering oafs should prove to be a huge thorn in Jay Cutler's side all season long, much to Jared Allen's chagrin.

Look for that deer-in-the-headlights, wistfully confused look on Cutlers face shortly after Allen dances Cutler's head off the Metrodome floor, for the second time, on November 29th.

That's about all Chicago's offense brings to the table.  If there is one thing upon which nearly everyone can agree, the Bears' offense is lacking in exactly what appears to be missing on the defensive side of the ball: Depth.

Defense

Here's where the story gets sad.  Brian Urlacher is just too old and without enough help to carry this defense anymore.  Already decimated by injuries in the offseason, this bears squad is riddled with inexperienced underachievers and is sorely lacking in reserves, as was already mentioned.

A position breakdown of the Chicago defense would be a pointless waste of time, as there simply nobody worth mentioning.  While the fans in Chicago are jumping for joy and patting coach Lovie Smith on the back for the acquisition of Jay Cutler, Mr. Smith seems to have forgotten one small fact:

The Bears have to stop Adrian Peterson for at least 120 minutes this season.  In four games, Peterson has rushed for more than 550 yards against Chicago.  Look for this trend to continue in 2009.

The Detroit Lions

The Lions should probably win a game this year.  Probably.  While they certainly can be no more hideous than they were last season, don't look for any dramatic turnarounds from this ball club.

Number one overall pick QB Matthew Stafford should provide with some quality highlight reel action, and phenom WR Calvin Johnson is always fun to watch.  But aside from Daunte Culpepper, can you name any other single player on the Detroit Lions' roster?  No you can not.

However, as Vikings' fans, we are all well aware of the Detroit Curse.  The Lions nearly won their only game of the season in 2008 at the Metrodome, something the team seems able to do year after year, for some inexplicable reason.  This is clearly the worst team in the NFL, but Detroit should have a few surprises in store.

The Green Bay Packers

If, as a Vikings Fan, you're not already a little nervous about the Green Bay Packers, you should be.  With one of the most productive offenses in the league, and a scary new 3-4 defensive scheme in place, the Packers are one of the only serious threats to Minnesota's supremacy in the NFC in 2009.

Offense

Aaron Rodgers is a formidable presence who continues to improve, and should establish himself as one of the league's elite quarterbacks this year, with some already predicting an MVP season from the man.  With the stellar tandem of Donald Driver and Greg Jennings at his disposal, look for Rodgers to show the World that the Pack is now his team.

Complimenting the Green bay receiving corps are a whole host of pass-catching tight ends and versatile threats from the backfield.  The Packers have a lot of weapons on offense and they represent one of the few challenges the Vikings' defense should face in the coming months.

A solid offensive line rounds out an impressive squad, and is one of the many reasons the Packers will be in a very tight race with the Vikings for the NFC North divisional crown.

Defense

This unit is what should be keeping Vikings' fans awake at night.  Dom Capers, the new defensive coordinator for Green Bay, has a history of fielding lightning-fast, hard hitting, hard blitzing defenses.  Favre controversy aside, "The Gunslinger" is going to need every moment of his vast NFL experience to keep Green Bay in check.

First-round draft pick B.J. Raji appears to be the real deal, and he is surrounded by a defensive line that is big, fast and very deep.  Constant rotation, off-beat blitzing schemes, and a fearsome linebacking corps should all contribute to the effort to improve Green Bay's dismal defensive performance in 2008.

Cornerback Charles Woodson is likely to be one of the main benefactors of Capers' aggressive game plan.  Brett Favre just might get his bell rung at Lambeau on some sneaky corner blitz.

The Results

Minnesota is nearly a shoe-in to repeat as NFC North Division champs in 2009, though Chicago and Green Bay do present their own unique challenges.  Detroit is a non-issue.  If the Vikings' secondary can manage to contain two of the better quarterbacks in the league in Rodgers and Cutler, and if Minnesota's offense can manage to gel into some sort of cohesive unit, none of the other teams in the Norris division stand a chance.

Read more Minnesota Vikings news on BleacherReport.com

Minnesota Tax Dollars Should Finance a New Vikings Stadium

Would you pay $0.20 cents per week for a fancy new football stadium and a guarantee of a permanent NFL presence in Minnesota?

One billion dollars.  That's all the state needs to pony up for a new Vikings stadium.  That's an up-front, one time fee.

Spread over the expected 20-year lifetime of the new facility, and divided by the population of Minnesota (5,220,393 - Jul 2008. Source: U.S. Census Bureau), that one billion dollars breaks down to about $0.18 cents per week per every man woman and child in the State of Minnesota—less than $40 dollars a year for a family of four.

Look at the benefits gained by building a new Vikings Stadium.  Yes, there's the standard arguments regarding job creation and economic impact.  But many of the jobs created by a replacement for the Metrodome either already exist, will be of such short term benefit as to not make a decisive impact, or are jobs of the low-paying, low taxpaying sort.

Look instead at the intangible, less obvious benefits a new, billion dollar, state of the art facility would bring.

The National Football League's presence in the Twin Cities' (and, to be fair, the outstate and Dakotas' markets as well) brings with it a certain prestige and credibility.  Civic pride goes a long way towards fostering involvement in and a sense of community.  A new stadium will certainly bring another Super Bowl to the region.

Moreover, let's face it, rooting for and following our beloved Vikings—week after week, year after year, despite all the ups and downs and heartache—is a hell of a lot of fun, Favre or no Favre.

The argument against giving a billionaire a billion dollars so he can make a billion more is both obvious and compelling. The State subsidizing the cartoonishly rich is, of course, a ridiculous notion.

However, the State of Minnesota has spent well over one billion dollars in taxpayer money on ethanol subsidies over the last 20 years, a highly popular program, especially with General Mills, Conagra, and ADM.

Zygi Wilf should by no means be given a blank check.  If the people of the State of Minnesota are going to bankroll a billionaire's playground, certain concessions should be demanded. 

An iron-clad guarantee that the Vikings franchise will never move from the state, including riders on any future sales of the team prohibiting the relocation of the Vikings to another market, will put a stop to the "Pay Up or We'll Move Your Team" blackmail party once and for all.

A sizable portion of the seats in any new stadium should be reserved at below-market prices, guaranteeing access for everyone.

The Minnesota Vikings should, beyond a shadow of a doubt, be playing football outdoors.  Perhaps the stadium subsidy should be $1.1 billion, assuring the installation of heated seats.

At less than $10 dollars per year per head, spread over 20 years, a publicly financed Vikings stadium is a bargain, even at double that price.

Tavaris Jackson Kicks Wall In Frustration, Pursues Real Estate License

The Minnesota Vikings signed oft-retired, future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre to a one-year contract Tuesday, effectively ending quarterback Tavaris Jackson's tenure with the team, if not the entire National Football League.  Ever mindful of making the most of an opportunity, Jackson has made the surprising decision to switch careers from NFL quarterback...to anything else.

"I ain't playing no more," Jackson said. "So I's, you know, checking out a probicality of my future."

For Jackson, new career opportunities abound.  The struggling third-year quarterback was seen Tuesday in the lobby of a local Edina Realty office struggling with the intricacies of a written job application.  At the time, Jackson declined comment to reporters, but later gave a statement in a hastily organized press conference in a nearby Burger King parking lot.  At least two local High School newspapers comprised the press corps.

"My brothers' Baby Momma got her [real estate] papers, and it did real well for her," said the alleged quarterback drafted with the 64th overall pick in 2006 by Minnesota.

Vikings head coach Brad Childress, speaking to the press regarding his retreat from an earlier statement that "...the door has been closed..." regarding the pursuit of Brett Favre, offered a one-word statement: "Duh"  Childress then rolled his eyes and demanded of reporters, "Next question!"

Speaking during a down moment in Tuesday's practice session at the Vikings' Winter Park facility in Eden Prairie, superstar running back Adrian Peterson told the Bleacher Report, "Woo!  Yes!  Yes!"  Peterson then thrust both fists in the air and began running around the practice field wildly.

Vikings fans, however, appear to be in shock, stymied at the very real prospect of having to now cheer for their former NFC North Division nemesis.

"Gosh.  I mean...what if Favre throws another interception in the 'Dome?  Am I supposed to cheer, or boo?  Oh, fer Jeez," said local septic truck driver, Sven Tolleruud, interviewed by Bleacher Report in front of Ole's Tavern in Chisholm, Minn.  Tolleruud's eyes then glazed over and he retreated to the the bar's dank interior, which was visibly filled with stunned, mumbling Minnesota boosters.

As for Jackson's prospects as a real estate agent in this troubled housing market, he is expected to, in his new field, mirror his success achieved in the NFL.

In Sage Rosenfels, the Minnesota Vikings Have Just What They Need

Much has been said regarding the Minnesota Vikings and their troubles at the quarterback position—in the media, in the bars, and around the campfire.  Many believe that the Vikings are one position away from becoming the NFC favorite; one solid passer away from a legitimate Super Bowl run. 

And while some fans of the Purple and Gold lull themselves to sleep at night with visions of a Hall of Fame quarterback sharing the field with Adrian Peterson, few have considered what became readily apparent in the first two drives of Minnesota's first Preseason game in Indianapolis last Friday: Sage Rosenfels just might be good enough.

It is more than likely that Rosenfels is no Dan Marino waiting to happen; however, there is no denying the man's considerable skills.  An intelligent pocket presence with excellent leadership qualities on the field combined with an above-average ability to read opposing defenses is really all the Vikings' offense needs in order to move up to the next level. 

Sure, every fan wants Warren Moon's arm on Ben Rothlisberger's body with Joe Montana's brain leading their favorite offense, throwing for their team.  But let's be realistic, what does Minnesota really need?

Simply put, what the Vikings' offense needs in order to graduate into the upper-echelon, super-scary tier of elite units in the league is the ability to keep opposing teams alternating seven and eight men in the box.

If defenses are forced to respect the play action and the 15-yard dump pass, Adrian Peterson will be able to go to town all season long.  As soon as opponents start stacking the line to try to stop Peterson, a 20-yard pass to Sidney Rice (or to Percy Harvin) on a crossing pattern out of the slot will be enough to make a defensive coordinator think twice. 

Rosenfels has shown, both in Minnesota and throughout his career, that he is adept at this high-percentage, West Coast approach to moving the ball.

There are questions surrounding Rosenfels' arm strength, and his lack of consistent starting experience is also cause for concern.  These worries are mitigated, though, when one stops to consider the sheer number of mediocre quarterbacks in the history of the NFL who, right now, are owners of Super Bowl rings.

Rich Gannon, familiar to all Vikings fans, was a terrible quarterback for 15 years in the NFL before his one break-out season in 2002 helped Oakland get to and win the Big Game.

Trent Dilfer's Super Bowl season was representative of his milquetoast career, throwing for only 1,502 yards and for 12 touchdowns, achieving the dizzying passer rating of 76.6 on the season.

Jim McMahon led the Bears to a Super Bowl in the 1985 season throwing for only 2,392 yards and 15 touchdowns (passer rating of 82.6).  Surely, Sage Rosenfels passing for 3,000 yards and 20 touchdowns in a season, on this Vikings offense, takes little stretching of the imagination.

Every Vikings fan in the world knows what they want out of a starting quarterback.  The real question that needs to be asked is, "What do the Vikings need?"  Look at the glass half-full.  Look at what the Vikings don't have in a quarterback:

Minnesota doesn't have Michael Vick, and all the chaos to be expected with such a controversial figure.  Minnesota doesn't have, thank God, Brett Favre and that requisite pile of uncertainty and circus.  Nor does Minnesota have Jay Cutler, and the inevitable destruction of team cohesion that follows him like a cloud.

Who knows?  Perhaps Rosenfels will surprise everyone and emerge as a first rate starting NFL quarterback.  But until that happens, and even if it doesn't, the Vikings have everything they need to become one of the elite teams in the league, and perhaps even the next Super Bowl Champions.