Vikings-Packers Preview: Are You Ready for Some Gunslinging or Mudslinging?

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Brett Favre’s long-awaited homecoming in Green Bay is upon us, and it couldn’t have been scripted any better.

The Minnesota Vikings are 6-1 with the Green Bay Packers close behind at 4-2. A Packer win would forge a practical tie atop the division.

The Packers have won two straight by a combined 57-3 score, while Minnesota lost for the first time last week, falling to the Steelers 27-17 in Pittsburgh.

“This may be the most anticipated event in Green Bay since my first tearful retirement press conference,” says Favre. “This game has the potential to be a real barn-burner. Throw in some snow and Matt Hasselbeck, and you’ve got the makings of a true classic.

“I’m not sure how the fans will react to my return. I’m not expecting casserole for my homecoming. With the game taking place a day after Halloween, it’s appropriate to say my reception will be ‘Trick Or Treat.’ That’s just fine. I don’t mind Halloween-themed events, nor do my teammates, who just enjoyed a cruise on Lake Minnetonka on the SS Ghostly Tail.

“I guess I can expect somewhat of a cool reception in Green Bay. I was once considered a god there, but it seems my status as a deity is no longer. It looks as though my inability to ‘decide’ has resulted in a case of ‘deicide.’ That’s a ‘vowel movement’ this 40-year-old would rather not experience.”

Favre’s counterpart, Aaron Rodgers, was sacked eight times in the Packers’ 30-23 loss in Minnesota in week four. Jared Allen recorded 4.5 of those sacks, as well as a forced fumble.

“We can’t have a repeat of the last game,” says Rodgers. “Allen is an avid outdoorsman; there’s nothing he likes more than a ‘sitting duck’ or a ‘deer in the headlights.’ After last time, I think my offensive line owes me better protection. They’re beholden to me. And if they don’t think they can stop the Vikings front four fairly, then they better ‘be holdin.’”

What will there be more of when Favre comes to town: gun slinging or mud slinging? Packer head coach Mike McCarthy has stressed a Viagra theme all week to his offensive linemen, because their job is to keep Rodgers upright. Like the decision to retire, that’s easier said than done.

Vikings win 27-23 as a stunned hush falls upon the stadium—not a Lambeau “peep” to be heard.

 

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Vikings-Rams Preview: Minnesota Fat on Dome Life

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

If there was a shred of doubt concerning Brett Favre’s ability, arm strength, motivation, or boyish enthusiasm, it was put to rest last Monday in the Vikings’ 30-23 win over the Packers. If revenge was indeed a factor, Favre showed it only by carving up the Green Bay pass defense for 271 yards and three touchdowns.

“My gosh,” says Favre, “my offensive line gave me so much time to throw that on one play I actually contemplated retirement and changed my mind twice before I had to throw.

“I think this game proves that I have no ill will towards the Packers. I feel I displayed the utmost respect and reverence in destroying them. If there were any hard feelings, well, that baggage has been ‘Packed.’

“I want to thank the Packers for allowing me to play for 16 years. Mostly, though, I want to thank them for not allowing me to play that 17th year. There’s no way I would have survived behind that offensive line.”

In stark contrast to the 4-0 Vikings, the Rams are 0-4 after their second shutout loss, a 35-0 whipping at the hands of division rival San Francisco. Quarterback Kyle Boller will face a Vikings defense that sacked Aaron Rodgers eight times.

Defensive end Jared Allen recorded 4.5 of those sacks and also forced a fumble, a performance that solidified his position as a front-runner for NFL Defensive Player of the Year.

“I’ve already got my outfit picked out to wear to the awards ceremony,” says Allen. “It’s a camouflage wife-beater with a bow tie, accessorized with a cummerbund loaded with 12-gauge shotgun shells. You’ve got to dress to impress. Just as I do on the field. Not many guys can wear No. 69 and make it work. Me in jersey No. 69? Cool. Slow-pitch softball player in No. 69? Not cool.”

Help is on the way for the Rams. Conservative talk show blowhard Rush Limbaugh is partnering with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. Quick, somebody tell Limbaugh that there’s no such position on a football team known as “right wing.”

Minnesota would be ripe for the picking in a letdown were they playing anyone but the Rams. But Adrian Peterson takes control, giving Favre the chance to rest his arm with just 20 passes. Peterson rushes for 146 yards and two touchdowns. The Rams get on the board late on a Steven Jackson score, verifying that the lights on the “home” side of the scoreboard do, in fact, work.

Minnesota wins, 30-7.

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Packers-Vikings Preview: Favre-Venge? (Humor)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

It may be full of cortisone, but there still seems to be some space left in Brett Favre’s right arm for a little magic.

Last week, Favre’s 32-yard laser to the back of the end zone with two seconds left found Greg Lewis, giving the Vikings a 27-24 win over the visiting 49ers. Minnesota is 3-0 and leading the NFC North, with the Packers coming to town.

“Just when you think it’s time to call it a day,” says Brad Childress, “Favre does something unexpected to keep things lively. How many times has he done that in his career?

“Actually, a great feeling of unease came over me after that miraculous play. I was seriously worried that Favre might decide to go out while on top and retire right here on the spot.”

“But let’s be honest. Moments like these are exactly the reason we brought Favre here. It surely wasn’t for his flawless mechanics, or fluid delivery. Hey, this is Minnesota. If you’re looking for ‘fluid delivery,’ you give former Viking Onterrio Smith a call and inquire about the ‘Whizzinator.’”

The man who replaced Favre in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers, is looking forward to going head-to-head with Favre and the Vikings.

“This game’s not as personal for me as it is for Brett,” says Rodgers. “I can’t speak for the rest of the team, though.

“They seem to be really excited about the game, so much so that they’re taking up a collection of money to ‘take Brett out.’ I’m not positive, but I think the restaurant is called ‘Bounty.’”

As the game starts, memories of his time as a Packer wash over an emotional Favre, and the nervousness gets the best of him as his first pass finds a wide-open Donald Driver on the sideline. Favre settles, and he and Rodgers duel well into the night.

In the end, Rodgers leads the Pack on the game-winning drive, and Charles Woodson intercepts Favre to preserve the win.

Green Bay wins 31-27.

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49ers-Vikings: The Gunslinger vs. Samurai Mike

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

How would one describe San Francisco’s 2-0 start to the season, which has the 49ers atop the NFC West standings and has generated a sense of gaiety in a city that has longed to return to the glory days of old?

“Whatever you do,” says Mike Singletary, “just don’t call it ‘flaming.’

“Sure, we’re off to a hot start, but we’ve earned every bit of it. This isn’t your daddy’s 49ers team. We won’t beat you with Hall-of-Fame quarterbacks and receivers, nor will we stop you with a hard-hitting safety and his nine-and-a-half fingers. Hey, what’s the difference between Ronnie Lott and a phone number? A phone number has ten digits.

“All joking aside…in a moment. What do you call a steamy erotic drama starring Ronnie Lott and Kim Basinger? Nine-and-a-half Digits. Okay, I guess you guys didn’t know that Samurai Mike had a sense of humor.

“Of course I do! I rapped on ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle.’ What’s funnier than that? There may not be a West Coast Offense here, but there is a West Coast rapper in the house.”

Like the 49ers, the Vikings are 2-0, with two road wins, and flawless play from Brett Favre, who set an NFL record with his 271st consecutive start. That broke the record of Minnesota defensive end Jim Marshall, who set the mark from 1961 to 1979.

“I’m honored to pass the great Jim Marshall,” says Favre. “It’s truly amazing to be able to start that many consecutive games as a defensive end. It’s even more amazing that he did so without retiring once.

“The last thing I want to do is overlook the 49ers with the Packers coming here on October 5th. But it’s hard not to. I’ve had that date circled on my calendar since the schedule was released. But you know me. Between all the retirements and all the comebacks, I’ve got a lot of dates circled on my calendar.”

Does the winner of this contest officially claim the “for real” tag, signifying it as a legitimate NFC contender?

You bet.

And the NFC rushing lead will likely be decided, with Adrian Peterson looking to extend his 35-yard lead on Frank Gore.

Peterson wins the battle, rushing for a hard-fought 110 yards and a score, and the Vikings win the battle, 22-19.

 

 

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Vikings Vs. Lions Preview: Favre the Disarming Teammate

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Brett Favre’s debut as Viking quarterback was a resounding success as Minnesota prevailed on the road in Cleveland, 34-20. Adrian Peterson rushed for 180 yards and three touchdowns, but just as importantly, Favre had no turnovers and not once displayed the urge to toss some crazy, underhanded pass.

Favre also showed the boyish, unbridled enthusiasm he is known for, celebrating wildly after a touchdown pass to Percy Harvin.

“I think you can put the talk of a ‘divided’ locker room to rest,” says Jared Allen. “It’s hard not to root for Brett, especially since he’s on my team. He’s got such a ‘disarming’ quality about him, and that has nothing to do with his history of injuries.”

“Brett and I are both country boys, so we bonded immediately over talk of high-powered rifles, camouflage coveralls, and smokeless tobacco. Heck, we’re already swapping jeans like giddy schoolgirls.”

Only for the Vikes can such a monstrous day from a running back be overshadowed by such a mediocre day from a quarterback. Of course, the Lions’ Matthew Stafford would kill to have a day like Favre’s.

Then, by extension, Stafford would probably commit genocide for a running back with Peterson’s talent. Stafford had three interceptions and a passer rating of 27.4 in a loss to the Saints.

“I don’t expect Matthew to run and hide from this,” says Jim Schwartz. “He may be a rookie, but he can own up to his mistakes. In fact, he micro-blogged about it on his personal social networking site, Jitter.”

It won’t be easy for Stafford against the Vikes, either. Running is difficult, and nearly impossible, against Minnesota. Defensive tackles Kevin and Pat Williams are free from suspensions for now, and defiantly wear Dallas Cowboy hats in protest of the furor over their use of the Star Caps supplement.

They’ll force Stafford to throw it, which he should be able to do against the Vikings secondary.

But the Lions have to make Favre beat them. What’s the best way to do that? Well, they could load the box with 11, or they could call a press conference and order Favre to make a decision immediately.

Peterson goes for 150 yards and one touchdown, and Favre hits tight end Visanthe Shiancoe for a score. With the game in hand late in the fourth quarter, Favre retires to the bench.

Minnesota wins, 34-21.

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Favre, Vick, Cable: Hiss, Boo, Bah!

Michael Vick is a an Eagle. Brett Favre is a Viking. And Oakland coach Tom Cable is a pugilist. What type of reception can these three expect when they travel to enemy territory this season?

Wow! What a whirlwind of activity the last two weeks have been. A questionable signing, questionable behavior, and a questionable retirement have conspired to form a perfect storm of NFL lunacy.

First, Vick signed a two-year deal with the Eagles, making him the highest-paid, ex-highest paid quarterback in football. Clearly, it was in Vick’s best interest to sign with a team represented by an animal mascot. While PETA didn’t condone Vick’s signing, they did verify Vick’s assertion that “flipping the bird” causes no pain to animals.

Then Raiders coach Tom “The Bay Area Bomber” Cable reportedly punched assistant coach Randy Hanson, an allegation that, if proven to be true, would be the first instance of accuracy of anything thrown by a Raider in the last five years.

Finally, Brett Favre trumped the magnitude of those stories by signing with the Vikings, just weeks after indicating he would stay retired. Apparently, Favre’s word is as good as a Magic 8-Ball’s.

Favre further alienated Packer fans by stating that “true Packer fans” would understand his motivations and machinations. Fans responded that a “true Packer” would understand why he’s now an outcast in Green Bay.

Not that anyone should feel sorry for Favre. Should football not work out, again, he’s got that acting career to fall back on. Hollywood insiders are whispering that Favre’s in line to star in the next Batman movie, playing Batman’s villainous arch-nemesis, “The Waffler.”

So, where does that leave each team? Besides with less credibility? Well, for one, it leaves them open to ridicule from fans and public address systems of opposing teams. So, Vick, Favre, and the Raiders can expect to hear it loud and clear when they travel to some of the more hostile locales on their 2009 schedule.

When the Eagles travel to FedEx Field on October 26th to face the Redskins, you can best believe the speakers will be blaring ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me,” with Elvis Presley’s “Don’t Be Cruel” sure to follow.

Not only will the “Hogs” be represented in Washington, so will the “Dogs,” as Vick will certainly be teased with animated barks and cat calls.

And of course, you know some clever fan in Oakland’s Black Hole, where the Eagles face the Raiders in Week 6, will display a poster of a dog staring down Vick, with the words “Fido vs. Phi-Do.”

In the case of the Raiders, Cable’s punch is pure overkill. Obviously, there’s already enough material of which to ridicule the organization without coaches duking it out in a hotel room. Actually, Cable’s punch is decades too late; someone should have KO’ed Al Davis long ago.

As would be expected, Cable has refused to comment, or even acknowledge, the incident. Of course that’s no surprise, because the first rule of “Fight Club” is “you do not talk about Fight Club.”

Anyway, Oakland’s first away game on the slate takes them to Arrowhead Stadium, home of division rival Kansas City and their vocal fans. There, you can expect to hear Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” or LL Cool J’s “Momma Said Knock You Out.”

And since Cable slugged a coach named “Hanson,” wouldn’t Hanson’s “MmmBop” be an extremely fitting tune?

Minnesota opens the season in Cleveland Stadium, home of the Dawg Pound, where fans, upset at not getting a chance to rail on Michael Vick, will apply all their energy towards welcoming Brett Favre.

Cleveland fans have been known to toss foreign objects at opposing players, so Favre can expect to dodge a fair share of batteries, dog bones, beverages, and, in Favre’s case, probably the most apropos projectiles in NFL history, yo-yos. All of this as the Beatles “Let it Be” sets the mood from the PA system.

And it won’t get any easier for Favre when the Vikes head to Lambeau Field on November 1st. There, if Favre is, in fact, still playing, he can do so while the Packer faithful get a sarcastic kick from the sounds of the Captain and Tennile’s “Do That to Me One More Time.”

And to really get under Favre’s skin, Metallica’s “Unforgiven,” “Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me,” and U2′s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” would really have the former Packer second-guessing himself. And Tupac Shakur’s “I Get Around” couldn’t make him feel any better.

For those Packer fans still a little uneasy about criticizing the iconic Favre, Poison’s “Talk Dirty to Me” would point them in the right direction.

Finally, in the closing number, which would surely have all of Lambeau singing along, the speakers could blast Motley Crue’s “Shout at the Devil.”