Archive for the Humor Category


Brad Childress On Brett Favre’s Groin: What Was He Thinking?

Brad Childress came under a bit of fire in Week Eight as it was revealed that Vikings QB Brett Favre had played through a groin injury while leading his team to victory over the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field.

Favre was  listed on the injury report, as probable, with a hip injury but “groin” was nowhere to be seen in the report and it is against league rules for any athlete injury to be hidden, possibly keeping the other team at a competitive disadvantage.

Nothing to worry about here, as witnessed by Brad Childress’ hilarious press conference .

Yes, you heard correctly. The man who also spent last week deciding to “motivate” his team by dressing like a flight attendant also uttered the words “rub it” while talking about Brett Favre’s groin.

What is Brad Childress thinking?! I know…

10) Think Green Bay felt like a jilted lover before…

9) I haven’t been asked this much about another man’s groin since dinner with Jeff Garcia.

8) Why hasn’t anyone mentioned my haircut?

7) Aww crap, those boys from Coors Light are going to have a field day with this!

6) I missed that day in health class, what DO you do with a groin?

5) Hey, a text from my agent, Vivid Video is looking for a spokesman!

4) Why does Jared Allen keep asking if I still have that flight attendant outfit?

3) Next team bonding session…TWISTER!

2) Hmm, I wonder why Sage Rosenfels is crying over in the corner?

AND THE No. 1 THING BRAD CHILDRESS WAS THINKING…

1) Why won’t John Madden stop calling me!

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Suicide Hotlines Flooded With Calls Concerning Brett Favre

Jon Merz volunteers at a suicide hotline in Los Angeles every other weekend.  He’ll be on duty this Sunday, the same day Brett Favre makes his highly-publicized return to Lambeau Field as a Viking.

Jon is expecting it to be a busy weekend.

“I was here on Tuesday.  We were already getting calls from people in preparation for this weekend, saying that they didn’t know if they could handle all the coverage that Brett Favre would be getting this week.  Especially on Sunday.”

What Jon is referring to is the endless amount of hours and countless segments that are likely to be spent talking about Favre returning to Green Bay to play the Packers at Lambeau for the first time. 

For most of the last 15 years, anything Favre has done has usually been talked about on sports radio and television, making sure to cover every detail. 

From his on-again, off-again retirements to his trade to the Jets to his “heroic” Monday Night performances, the name Brett Favre has been uttered on ESPN an estimated 4.6 million times. 

One such caller into the suicide hotline was 31-year-old Marcus Clinton. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Marcus.  “I love sports.  I love the NFL.  But if I hear someone talk about Brett Favre one more goddamn time I’m going to blow my brains out.  I know that’s a figure of speech, but I really mean it.  Who really cares if (Favre) is playing on another team?  Joe Montana played on the Chiefs.  Emmitt Smith played on the Cardinals.  He’s just one guy, get over it.”

As I sat in the room last night with the volunteers at the call center, I heard call after call of similar complaints.  After two hours of sitting there, nearly 30 people had called in worried about whether or not they would make it to Monday. 

“I don’t even know if Monday is going to be safe,” said Merz.  “Monday Night Football is on ESPN.  What do you think they’re going to talk about, or who do you think they may talk to during halftime?”

As public concern for the situation grows across the country, sports media outlets have yet to show any signs of backing off the Favre coverage. 

“Brett Favre is America.  He’s everything.  He’s God.  And I’m going to talk about him to death.  Also, I can tell you what day Brett Favre will retire.  Dec. 21, 2012,” said ESPN analyst Chris Berman.

At approximately 9:15 PM last night, a call came into the center from a hysterical woman who went by the name “Nancy.” 

She simply said, “THEY KEEP HYPING UP THIS INTERVIEW BETWEEN BRADSHAW AND FAVRE!!  OH MY GOD!!  OH MY –.” 

There was a loud bang and then simply silence.

Thanks, Brett.

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Letter to the Vikings by TJ Houshmandzadeh

Dear Minnesota, the Vikings, and your fans:

I must admit, I am a little embarrassed to be writing this. Earlier this year you rolled out the red carpet for me, giving it your all to try and make me a Viking.

And did I say yes?

Nope.

And why? Cause I’m a fool. I was a fool. I am a fool. And I will forever be known as a fool. In fact, I may have made Crabtree look smart.

I took the bigger paycheck and went to a team with a better QB. Now after four weeks Hasselbeck only has 376 yards and three TD’s. But seriously, who could have predicted that the Lord was going to speak to Childress directly and send him his disciple? I can’t even mention his name, it chokes me up every time. 

I understand that you tried to replace the spot I didn’t fill by drafting that hack Percy Harvin. I mean seriously, he’s only had three TD’s this year and is pushing towards being the NFC rookie of the year.  2nd tier hack. HACK!

The truth is you need me in Minnesota. Okay you really don’t, but please don’t make me beg. Okay, okay I’ll beg. Please let me come to Minnesota. Please. Oh please take me. I want to be undefeated too. All I have is a cold from this crappy weather and a goose egg in the TD column. Not to mention one of the worst records in football.

So to Minnesota, the Vikings, and your fans I get it now and I’m sorry. But you do know that the trade deadline isn’t for another 12 days, right?  

Sincerely,

TJ

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Joke-A-Thon: Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings

So what have I been doing these last few weeks.  Not much, certainly not any writing.  But now I’m back with a vengeance and ready to go especially since my secret plot to blackmail David Letterman has been foiled.  

So while my hot lawyer from the Czech Republic, Ivana Sue, tries her best to keep me out of prison, I think it’s time to churn out another critically acclaimed edition of the Joke-A-Thon!

Tonight’s subject, the Green Bay Packers travel to the Twin Cities to play against some guy named Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings!

8:01 It’s time for the ESPN pre-game show and Chris Berman has the eye of the tiger!  He’s ready ladies and gentleman!  The man is ready…to bludgeon you to death with about 1,000 bad puns, bad jokes, and bad metaphors.  

Which reminds me, no one laughs harder at unfunny jokes more than Berman’s sidekick, Tom Jackson.  He constantly amazes me.  Its pretty obvious Jackson studied under the master, the honorable Kevin Eubanks.

8:02 Two minutes into the show and this is already shaping up to be a Brett Favre love-fest.  Since I see how this night is headed, I’ve decided to record the number of times Favre’s name gets mentioned before the kickoff and compare it to the number of times Packers QB Aaron Rodgers name gets mentioned.

Gee, I wonder who will win!

8:20 Apparently Brett Favre must have died or something because ESPN just did a moving tribute to him complete with childhood photos and sad music.  Poor Michael Jackson.  All he had was a lousy tribute at the BET Awards and Madonna giving a self-indulgent tribute speech at the MTV VMAs!

8:21 This just in!  Brett Favre is not dead!  I repeat!  Brett Favre is not dead!

8:22 Cris Carter just said this about the electrifying Viking rookie Percy Harvin:

“When he gets the ball, it can happen and it can happen fast!”

WOW!  Great analysis Cris!  Please keep it up!  In fact I plan on using that killer line the next time I meet a girl in a bar:

“So why don’t we go back to my place.  I got a bottle of Ketel One.  And let me tell you something, after I drink Ketel One baby it can happen and it can happen fast!”

8:30 Pink is the color of the night as some players are wearing pink wristbands, cleats, and sideline caps in order to raise awareness for breast cancer.  I strongly support their cause.  And to show my support, I’m currently sitting on my couch drinking a nice tall glass of pink lemonade!

8:37 Is it possible for Jon Gruden to talk without giving you that “intense” look that he’s so famous for? He’s in the booth now and he’s giving the audience that “intense” look.  Either that or he’s extremely constipated.  Either way, every time he scrunches up his face like that he looks just like the violent, adulterous husband from the Lifetime Movie Of The Week!

8:38 Mike Tirico just said that tonight’s game has “so many storylines!” 

OH REALLY QUENTIN TARANTINO?  NAME ANOTHER STORYLINE FOR TONIGHT’S GAME THAT DOESN’T HAVE THE NAME BRETT FAVRE IN IT…

8:40 …STILL WAITING TIRICO!  STILL WAITING!

8:41 Kathie Lee Gifford was nice enough to let her husband Frank out of the house so that he could film yet ANOTHER moving tribute to Brett Favre!  This one is dedicated to the night Favre played the Raiders the day after his father died.  I’m happy that he played a great game during a period of immense grief, but let’s stop with all the hyperbolic talk about him being “courageous” (Frank’s words).  

First of all, it’s impossible for anybody to do something courageous without first sacrificing something. What Pat Tillman did was courageous.  What Favre did wasn’t and if ESPN keeps this up I’m 1000 percent sure I’m going to be drinking Ketel One with my pink lemonade before this night’s over!

8:42 As promised, the final tally for tonight’s pre-game Favre-Meter is:

Brett Favre-43, Aaron Rodgers-12.  That means Favre’s name was mentioned 43 times in 39 minutes, 29 when you subtract the commercials.  DAMN!  That’s a whole lot of Brett Favre!

8:44 Did you know Favre has a steakhouse in Green Bay?  Kinda weird if you ask me.  I wonder if they serve their eggs “benedict?”  Get it?  Like Benedict Arnold? 

Sorry.  Chris Berman wrote that joke!

8:47 Aaron Rodgers just completed a pass to Donald Driver (great porn name by the way).  First down Packers!

8:49 Ron Jaworski just said that Packers TE JerMichael Finley “plays great in space.”

IN YO’ FACE BUZZ ALDRIN!  YOU AINT GOT NOTHING ON MY BOY JERMICHAEL!

8:51 Time for a commercial break.  It might turn out to be craptastic but DAMN, the trailer for 2012 just made my jaw drop.

8:59 Arguably the biggest reason why I simply don’t trust this team is because I don’t think Brad Childress is a good coach.  I just don’t.  In fact he doesn’t even look like the head coach of a professional football team.  Just look at him with that scratchy beard. He looks like he should be teaching driver’s ed or something.

9:03 TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS!  Favre just threw a TD pass across his body to Visanthe “The Package” Shiancoe! 7-0 Vikings.

9:06 Jon Gruden just finished describing Favre’s touchdown pass and I swear it reminded me of Meg Ryan during that deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally.”

I’LL HAVE WHAT JON’S HAVING!

9:09 My dad, who’s watching the game with me, just got annoyed at this Brett Favre love-fest.  He just said this: 

“I’m rooting for the Packers because I’m sick of all this talk about Brett Favre.  They act like he’s the greatest thing in the world.  I bet if he walked out on the field, pulled down his pants, and peed in the endzone, those people would say, look at the beautiful arch of his pee.  Isn’t it wonderful?”

9:10 Rodgers interrupts my dad and hits Jermichael Finley for a 67-yard TD.  Tie game 7-7.

9:12 I just decided that I like Jermichael Finley.  He’s tall, very athletic, and is the first person to ever be named after Jermaine Jackson, Michael Jackson, and Michael Finley!

9:25 Great catch by Greg Jennings who caught a ball that deflected off of Donald Driver followed by Brad Childress’ hilarious inability to throw the red challenge flag!

9:26 Replays show that Jennings didn’t actually catch the ball.  Something tells me that Green Bay will use this momentum to make Minnesota pay.

9:27 Interception by Antoine Winfield!  So, um…nevermind.

9:29 Time for a commercial break.  Danica Patrick was just pulled over for speeding by a cop who looks like a Playboy model in this commercial for GoDaddy.com.  That cop looks like she seriously wants to make out with Danica.  What the hell is GoDaddy.com anyway? A web portal?  A porn site?  Ah, who the hell cares!  KISS HER!  KISS HER!

9:32 Time for a game-break with ESPN’s Trey Wingo.  He informs us that Eli Manning is day-to-day with plantar fasciitis.  Eli’s injury on Sunday against the Chiefs was the second goofiest, self-inflicted injury by a quarterback of all time.

Hey Gus Frerotte, no need to bang your head against a wall.  YOU’RE STILL NUMBER ONE BABY!

9:39 TOUCHDOWN, FAVRE TO SIDNEY RICE!  Favre pump-faked to his left and as he was backtracking, fired a bullet to Rice.  In other words, vintage Brett Favre. Vikings 14-7.

9:51 BIG TIME PLAY BY PACKER LINEBACKER CLAY MATTHEWS WHO STRIPS ADRIAN PETERSON AND RUNS IT BACK FOR THE GAME-TYING TOUCHDOWN!  I’M SO EXCITED I CAN’T STOP TYPING IN CAPS!

10:00 I’m a big fan of Percy Harvin.  Not just because he’s the league’s most exciting rookie but also because he brought back the name “Percy.”  That was a great name for the brothers back in the ’70s (i.e. Percy Sledge famous for the R&B ballad “When A Man Loves A Woman”). It just sounds like the name of one of J.J.’s friends from Good Times or one the bad guys in a Pam Grier blaxploitation movie.  I

n fact what Percy Harvin should do is grow his hair out to a big afro and grow some sideburns like Shaft.  And during his interviews he could talk like this:

“Hey, listen here blood.  Dig this.  If you think we gon’ let the Green Bay Packers win on our home field you must be one jive turkey!”

10:00 After Peterson’s fumble, Favre comes right back.  He just fired a 42-yard pass to Percy Harvin. Cris Carter is back in the ESPN studio screaming, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU HUH?  WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IT JUST HAPPENED AND IT HAPPENED FAST!”

10:01 Percy Harvin is one bad mother, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

10:03 Jaws just announced that Favre is bringing ENERGY and INTENSITY to this game.  Jaws also said that Favre united the Vikings locker room, the state of Minnesota, and just this past weekend he united Iran and Israel.

Okay, I made that last one up.

10:06 I swear to God that Jon Gruden just said this about Favre: “I LOVED being associated with that guy and I MISS HIM!”

10:07 Gruden follows that up by belting out the chorus to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You!”

Okay I made that up.

10:29 Favre just completed a 26-yard pass to backup TE Jeff Dugan.  I’m not saying that the Packers rush defense stinks but Favre had so much time in the pocket that he retired, flew back to Mississippi, filmed a commercial for Wrangler jeans, filmed another commercial for Sears, wrote a letter of apology to Eric Mangini, punched a friend of LeBron James, signed Michael Crabtree, appeared on an episode of Glee, called a press conference, un-retired, and THEN found Dugan wide open for a 25-yard pass.

In other words, the Packers rush defense stinks!

10:30 Favre to Bernard Berrian, TOUCHDOWN VIKES!  With the exception of his Super Bowl win, I think tonight is shaping up to be the finest moment of his career. 28-14.

10:48 Donald Lee just dropped a touchdown pass on 4th-and-1.  Yikes.

10:49 The Packers just failed to score a touchdown on four plays inside the Vikings ten-yard line. 

HEY MIKE MCCARTHY!  JIM ZORN JUST CALLED.  HE WANTS HIS PLAYBOOK BACK!

10:56 Time for a commercial break.  I am currently imagining myself as Vince Vaughn’s agent talking to him over the phone:

“Hey Vince, remember when you said you needed to do a terrible movie for a lot of money because you’re hurting for cash?”

“Yeah, so what you got Keith?  Huh?  Huh?  What you got?  I need the money baby!  What is it huh? Wedding Crashers 2?  Dodgeball 2?  The Break Up 2?”

“Nah.  This one is even worse.  I mean it’s the worst script I’ve read this year but you’ll make a lot of money.  It’s called…COUPLES RETREAT!”

“Yeah baby!  That’s what I’m talking about!  You da man Keith!”

11:00 You know it’s funny how Jaws keeps referring to Adrian Peterson as a “violent” running back. What does that mean?   Is he going to jump out of the bushes and stab somebody like O.J.?  Is he going to pull out a gun and shoot A.J. Hawk like Billy Blanks in The Last Boy Scout?

11:17 And Rodgers is sacked again!  This time for a safety.  That’s seven times he’s been sacked tonight and the 19th time he’s been sacked this year.  WOW!  Rodgers has spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton!

11:24 Rodgers just found Jordy Nelson for a touchdown.  The 2-point conversion fails.  Vikings 30, Packers 20

11:24 Wait a minute…Jordy Nelson?…didn’t he used to be a member of the Backstreet Boys?

11:45 Ballgame:  The Pack tack on a cheap field goal but, ultimately, they go down in flames: 30-23. Fantastic game for Brett Favre: 21-for-24, 271 yards, and three touchdowns.  Aaron Rodgers, in spite of running for his life more times than Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, finished with a career-high 384 yards.  But don’t be fooled, Rodgers held onto the ball for too long, thus the eight sacks.

11:46 Favre and Rodgers talk briefly at midfield.  I don’t know what they’re saying but I’m hoping that their dialogue matches the Kung Fu-inspired dialogue that’s in my head.

Favre: “You betrayed me young grasshopper.  So I had to teach you a lesson!”

Rodgers: “Please forgive me Master Favre.  I am so ashamed.”

Favre: “I shall let you live this time.  But in one month, we will meet again.  And at that time, we shall fight, to the death!”

11:47 The Brett Favre love-fest comes to a merciful end.  As Favre is leaving the field he blows a kiss to his wife Deanna.  Tirico, Gruden, and Jaws must have thought that kiss was meant for them because they all fainted at the same time!

Okay, Okay I made that up too!

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The Two Days Where the Nation’s Attention Was Fixiated On the Metrodome

About 10 years ago, once upon a time, I used to live in Southern Minnesota—The Land of 10,000 Lakes. 

My summers consisted of lots of fishing, while my winters kept me indoors and out of the winter wonderland.

Being such an avid sports fan since birth, I fell in love with all of the Minnesota professional teams—Vikings, Twins, and Timberwolves. 

It was kind of like my first girlfriend. I was completely obsessed and attached. However, she was one of those girlfriends who you spent so much time with, but never gave anything back in return.

And, as any Minnesota fan would tell you, they live in a state deprived of any kind sport’s championship or national recognition.

The Twins use to be the bottom feeders of the division for the longest time during the Jim Kelley era. I’ve been to a handful of games in the Metrodome, and I can’t even recall a time they won a game that I went to.

The Vikings weren’t exactly a powerhouse team either in the Denny Green era, until quarterback Brad Johnson was replaced by Randall Cunningham. Add Randy Moss into the equation, and purple and gold had one of the most high-octane offenses for awhile.

The Vikings were a Gary Andersen field goal away from a Super Bowl trip, not to mention a Confererence Championship blow out in the Meadowlands.

My Timberwolves were pretty much irrelevant to the NBA for the longest time, even with Kevin Garnett. However, I saw the talent and level of competitiveness slowly rise and become something huge.

First round exit after first round exit in the playoffs never gave me much hope after every disappointing season.

The 2003-04 Timberwolves’ season was magical. Garnett won the MVP, they finally made it out of the first round, but they couldn’t get past Shaq and Kobe. 

Then, one day, my dad told me we would be moving to Philadelphia and would be leaving Minnesota—a decision that would probably affect me for the rest of my life and not just from a sports perspective.

I was heartbroken.

We tried to do the whole “long-distance” thing, and I tried my best to keep up with everything Minnesotan via the internet. But ultimately, we had to break things off. It was just too difficult for me to follow and I could never acquire that passion for them maybe ever again.

I left the Gopher State just like a lot of other high profile players have done so, which a lot of people don’t realize.

David Ortiz, Johan Santana, Torii Hunter, Chuck Knoblauch all left the Twins or were traded. Randy Moss was traded away from the Vikings, and Kevin Garnett finally wanted out of the Timberwolves after 12 years with the organization.

However, these past couple of days have made me reminisce about my childhood as I rallied behind my favorite teams. For once in the past two decades, the whole nation was fixated on what was happening in the Metrodome.

Monday’s highly anticipated Packers-Vikings game was something I knew I couldn’t miss. What was more important, a midterm exam the next day or watching Brett Favre play against his former rival team? After years of witnessing Favre torment the Vikings, it was ironic to see him in purple lining up against the Packers.

The next day, after bombing my midterm, I raced back home to catch the Twins play their tiebreaker to get into the playoffs. I was amazed by the turnout of the crowd and the homer hankies waving in full force. 

I have to admit, last night’s game was the first full-length baseball game I watched all year and it was probably the most memorable one I’ve ever watched. Solid, manufactured baseball provided excellent drama for viewers all over the country.

To see the Metrodome packed for two consecutive nights helped remind me that Minnesotans still love their professional sports. There’s a lot of promise for the Vikings this season and optimism for the Twins. Even the Timberwolves won their first preseason game!

The Vikings, Twins, and Timberwolves—three small market teams in the sports world—will always have a place in my heart.

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Packers-Vikings Preview: Favre-Venge? (Humor)

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

It may be full of cortisone, but there still seems to be some space left in Brett Favre’s right arm for a little magic.

Last week, Favre’s 32-yard laser to the back of the end zone with two seconds left found Greg Lewis, giving the Vikings a 27-24 win over the visiting 49ers. Minnesota is 3-0 and leading the NFC North, with the Packers coming to town.

“Just when you think it’s time to call it a day,” says Brad Childress, “Favre does something unexpected to keep things lively. How many times has he done that in his career?

“Actually, a great feeling of unease came over me after that miraculous play. I was seriously worried that Favre might decide to go out while on top and retire right here on the spot.”

“But let’s be honest. Moments like these are exactly the reason we brought Favre here. It surely wasn’t for his flawless mechanics, or fluid delivery. Hey, this is Minnesota. If you’re looking for ‘fluid delivery,’ you give former Viking Onterrio Smith a call and inquire about the ‘Whizzinator.’”

The man who replaced Favre in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers, is looking forward to going head-to-head with Favre and the Vikings.

“This game’s not as personal for me as it is for Brett,” says Rodgers. “I can’t speak for the rest of the team, though.

“They seem to be really excited about the game, so much so that they’re taking up a collection of money to ‘take Brett out.’ I’m not positive, but I think the restaurant is called ‘Bounty.’”

As the game starts, memories of his time as a Packer wash over an emotional Favre, and the nervousness gets the best of him as his first pass finds a wide-open Donald Driver on the sideline. Favre settles, and he and Rodgers duel well into the night.

In the end, Rodgers leads the Pack on the game-winning drive, and Charles Woodson intercepts Favre to preserve the win.

Green Bay wins 31-27.

Check out more game previews at www.sports-central.org

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Jared Allen, Riding On Favre’s Coattails [Satire]

Repudiating an Tarkenton-esque existence of shameful embarrassment, Jared Allen today renounced his former bad attitude and finally acknowledged the fact that the Minnesota Vikings are, in fact, for real.

“I’m the angriest DE in the League. But I was, totally like, ‘Favre has got to show himself.’ Now I know, I have some catching-up to do,” Allen said, after nearly breaking down in tears, following a berating by Twin Cities reporters, all of whom questioned the venerable psycho’s almost complete lack of accumulated statistics, three weeks into the 2009 National Football League season.

“It’s almost…the dude got a lucky sack,” reported an unnamed third-year linebacker. “It’s like Randy Moss, all over again. What a tool,” Ben Leber did not say. Out loud.

Minnesota Vikings’ fans have cause to wonder.

Jared Allen was brought to Minnesota after Brad Childress made the now controversial decision that neither Dennis Green, the most loved coach in the history of the franchise, nor Michael Tice, perhaps the finest head coach in the NFL to get fired for not knowing anything about his job, knew anything about running a defense.

Thus, the Jared Allen Era had begun. And now that Brett Favre is in the fold? It would seem that this one-time, obvious, future Hall-of-Famer has decided that, with so many offensive weapons at Minnesota’s disposal, Captain Sack-Happy can chill and let the Bob Schnelker Effect take control.

“Third and 15? Draw play up the middle, right?” Said Allen, shortly after having several drinks with former Vikings’ receiver, Chris Carter, well known for not being a clown.

So, a guy gets tripple-teamed and that’s his excuse? No way, Mr. Allen. You have clearly copped-out. That’s what this reporter has to say. Where’s Duane Clemons when you need him?

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49ers-Vikings: The Gunslinger vs. Samurai Mike

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

How would one describe San Francisco’s 2-0 start to the season, which has the 49ers atop the NFC West standings and has generated a sense of gaiety in a city that has longed to return to the glory days of old?

“Whatever you do,” says Mike Singletary, “just don’t call it ‘flaming.’

“Sure, we’re off to a hot start, but we’ve earned every bit of it. This isn’t your daddy’s 49ers team. We won’t beat you with Hall-of-Fame quarterbacks and receivers, nor will we stop you with a hard-hitting safety and his nine-and-a-half fingers. Hey, what’s the difference between Ronnie Lott and a phone number? A phone number has ten digits.

“All joking aside…in a moment. What do you call a steamy erotic drama starring Ronnie Lott and Kim Basinger? Nine-and-a-half Digits. Okay, I guess you guys didn’t know that Samurai Mike had a sense of humor.

“Of course I do! I rapped on ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle.’ What’s funnier than that? There may not be a West Coast Offense here, but there is a West Coast rapper in the house.”

Like the 49ers, the Vikings are 2-0, with two road wins, and flawless play from Brett Favre, who set an NFL record with his 271st consecutive start. That broke the record of Minnesota defensive end Jim Marshall, who set the mark from 1961 to 1979.

“I’m honored to pass the great Jim Marshall,” says Favre. “It’s truly amazing to be able to start that many consecutive games as a defensive end. It’s even more amazing that he did so without retiring once.

“The last thing I want to do is overlook the 49ers with the Packers coming here on October 5th. But it’s hard not to. I’ve had that date circled on my calendar since the schedule was released. But you know me. Between all the retirements and all the comebacks, I’ve got a lot of dates circled on my calendar.”

Does the winner of this contest officially claim the “for real” tag, signifying it as a legitimate NFC contender?

You bet.

And the NFC rushing lead will likely be decided, with Adrian Peterson looking to extend his 35-yard lead on Frank Gore.

Peterson wins the battle, rushing for a hard-fought 110 yards and a score, and the Vikings win the battle, 22-19.

 

 

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Brett Favre: How Football Karma Will Mess with the Vikings’ QB This Season

[Disclaimer: This is meant to be a fun, silly piece of fiction. Nothing more. ]

Over the last few seasons, I’ve begun to believe there is a certain force at work in the NFL responsible for keeping the continuity and balance. I believe in “football karma.” 
The Patriots were caught red-handed with their Super Bowl ring-filled hands in the Jets’ cookie jar back in 2007. While New England proceeded to impressively and aggressively dismember the rest of NFL that season, football karma was waiting in the weeds for the perfect moment to deliver its consequences.
Karma bit back on the world’s biggest stage. With the world expecting yet another New England coronation, the timid younger brother of Peyton Manning served up a game-winning drive for the ages.
It featured a ball slipping through the hands of All-Pro cornerback Asante Samuel and a ridiculous Hail Mary heave that if I hadn’t seen it myself, I would have figured was cleverly created with video editing software on some college kid’s MacBook. 
 
Karma wasn’t quite finished with the Patriots yet, though. Not by a long shot. 
In Week One of the following season, All-everything GQ cover-boy Tom Brady was struck down by a little-known mortal named Bernard Pollard. While Patriots fans were confused as to why the NFL didn’t immediately call an end to the season, karma teased New England for the next 16 weeks.
Matt Cassel, who hadn’t started a game since high school, steadily improved and led New England to the brink of the postseason. Alas, they were forced to watch from home as their 11 wins weren’t good enough. San Diego, meanwhile, snuck into the playoffs by winning its division with a mere eight wins.
 
After openly flirting with retirement for what seemed like the past decade, Brett Favre finally pulled the trigger in the 2008 offseason. Or not. He returned, but Green Bay had tired of playing the role of the jilted lover.
Much to Favre’s dismay, he was shipped to the New York Jets. Karma stuck Favre on a team he didn’t want to play for and teased him with success before having him implode down the stretch and miss the playoffs. 
One might be inclined to think that Favre’s karmic realignment in 2008 was enough.
I’m not so sure.
Last season Favre was merely guilty of jerking the Packers around. This season he had the audacity to go to a division rival. He thumbed his nose at his former team. Not just any team. Vince Lombardi’s team.
I think Favre just might have a little more cosmic retribution coming his way. If I were writing Favre’s tale of karmic realignment, it would go something like this.  
 
Favre and the Vikings start off with a few early season wins. The wheels start to wobble a bit as the Vikings are upset at home by the Packers in Week Four and Favre throws three critical interceptions.
 
After righting the ship temporarily with a Week Five win in St. Louis, Minnesota drops three in a row to Baltimore Pittsburgh, and Green Bay while Adrian Peterson is sidelined with an ankle injury.
The much anticipated return to Lambeau is a disaster for Favre. He throws five interceptions while his former understudy Aaron Rogers throws four touchdowns in leading the Packers to 38-13 victory. As Favre runs of the field, a fan pelts him in the head with a foam cheesehead hat. This incident becomes an instant classic on YouTube.
 
After falling to 4-6 on the season, Favre is injured vs Chicago. On a broken play, Favre tries to slide down under a Bears defender, much like he did while giving Michael Strahan his record-setting “sack” back in 2001. Favre’s foot gets caught in the turf. He falls awkwardly and sprains his shoulder, causing him to miss the next four to six weeks.
 
Tarvaris Jackson is forced into action and rallies Minnesota to a win against the Bears. Jackson then precedes to win the next three games and throws eight touchdown passes and only one interception during that span. The Vikings have surged to 8-6.
Media debate begins on whether Favre should get his job back when healthy or stick with the red-hot Jackson.
 
A snowstorm pushes through Chicago during Week 16 as Jackson leads the Viking to their fifth victory in a row. As the second half is about to start, Favre is playfully tossing snowballs at rookie Percy Harvin when he throws wildly and hits Pro Bowler Jared Allen in the face. Allen’s nose swells up like Marsha Brady’s and he’s forced to miss a critical series in the third quarter that results in a Chicago touchdown.  
 
After the game, Favre claims that Vikings knew that he was still hurt and should not have allowed him to throw snowballs.
  
When asked about the incident, John Madden defends Favre and says he would have been “honored” to be hit in the face with a snowball from the future Hall of Famer and that Favre was “just trying to make a play and fire up his team.”  
 
Packers fans, drunk with joy after clinching the division title, revel in the increasing amount of dysfunction coming from Minnesota.
The Vikings face a win or go home game vs. the Giants in Week 17. Jackson starts off strong throwing two first-half touchdown passes before getting knocked out with a sprained ankle late in the second quarter.
 
Favre, now healthy enough to serve as the backup, enters the game in a 14-14 tie and throws three second-half picks as the Giants roll 34-14.
 
After the game, Jackson jokingly retires and then says “Nah, just playin’. But, I’ll definitely let you know either way by the third preseason game next year.”

Read more Minnesota Vikings news on BleacherReport.com

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Have You Ever Lost Your Grip Because of Sports?

Sports make people do weird things. Or maybe some people are already weird, and sports simply serve as the outlet for their weirdness.

Have you ever done something you regret or otherwise felt odd about because of your dedication as a fan?

During the 2003 ALCS, I took an old Oakland A’s Jason Giambi bobblehead doll and put a soiled (with No. 1) diaper over it in vain hope, as a Red Sox fan, of jinxing the Yankees—Giambi’s team at the time.

My first child had recently been born, so I didn’t have to venture far for the diaper.

Giambi wound up jacking two bombs in Game Seven, and the Yankees took the pennant.

After that loss, I embarked on a long walk and disemboweled the bobblehead.

I believe this type of event manifests itself in different ways depending on the individual but happens to every hardcore sports fan at some point.

For some people, it happens in public, like the Cubs fan who lost it and threw beer at Philadelphia’s Shane Victorino at Wrigley Field earlier this month. (Then again, maybe that guy was just hammered.)

Then there was the White Sox fan who came on the field in 2003 to attack the umpire in the new Comiskey. Do these things only happen in Chicago?

Or, maybe you’re forced to deal with the public when you thought it was going to be just you. And maybe it happens in Winona, Minnesota.

From the Winona Daily News:

A woman on her way to St. Paul really got the goat of auto repairman James Prusci. She went to Tires Plus in Winona Friday, wanting a belt replaced on her Chevy Malibu. While he was doing paperwork, she said she had a goat in her trunk. “A what?” he asked. She told him she planned to butcher it.

It was painted Minnesota Viking colors—purple and gold—with Brett Favre’s No. 4 shaved on its side.

Prusci called animal control, which took the goat to a local vet. He was renamed Brett and placed in foster care.

Wonder what happened to the woman? Was she a Packers fan? Or maybe she’s a Vikings fan and, in some sort of figurative cannibalistic act, was celebrating the arrival of the guy who can’t retire.

We’ll likely never know, but she can’t be well.

Has this ever been you?

Stadiums have holding pens to handle unruly (drunk) fans. Maybe they should have psychiatric experts on hand to deal with the purple goat people.


Listen on the radio Saturday and Sunday nights—tune into Patrick Mauro’s Sports Overnight America Weekend from 10:06 p.m. to 1 a.m. PDT.

You can call the show at (800) 878-PLAY (7529).

Also, you can follow me on Twitter (I don’t post mundane minutiae).

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