Brett Favre: Why All Athletes Need a “Not To Exceed Expiration Date” Clause

Have you ever pushed the “use by” date on your milk, salsa, or beer way past the limit and then tried to use that product and found it was moldy, spoiled, or flat? 

That will be what the Vikings experience over the next season in the NFL with their “expired” quarterback, Brett Favre.

Everyone knows what happens when you push that date too far and then end up wishing you hadn’t opened the carton and let all that stink out. But, like trying to put that morning-after smell back in the bottle after devouring six greasy tacos and four beers too many, you just can’t undo the olfactory damage.

A “putrid” metaphor for the Vikings and their “past expiration date” quarterback?

Maybe, but if they let this continue to fester over the rest of the NFL season, they are exposing their team and Favre’s legacy to a rot that may never be recoverable. 

They will have effectively destroyed any chance for developing a future quarterback prospect. They will have allowed themselves to be the team that cares nothing about the future, just current ticket sales, and they will become the laughing stock of the league.

They have allowed the career of a once great player to circle the drain like other “well-past-their-prime” players that have streaked the bowl that also held it in just a bit too long.

I am not sure if this is an individual ego of a once-great player that has colored the view of a once-great franchise, or just a front office worried more about the almighty dollar than the integrity of their team and that of a player a year, or three, past his prime.

Whatever the reason, please Minnesota, do the honorable thing and pull the handle and kindly flush all this overripe sediment where it belongs before the stench becomes too much for all of us fans of the game and Favre to bear.

Investment Portfolio: “Stay Away From Brett Favre Vikings Jersey”

So I’m sitting in my living room and I tune into the Vikings vs. Chiefs game on NFL Network. Not only are the announcers the most homer announcers I’ve ever heard (at one point, Brett made a horrible pass and the announcer said he was OK with it), but for some reason, people are wearing Brett Favre jerseys.

Purple Brett Favre jerseys. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect to see any yellow or white Jerseys, but there are better options when shopping for jerseys, like I dunno, Adrian Peterson?

I tend to shy away from 40-year-old guys who are too much of a wuss to show up for two-a-days like everyone else when I buy my jerseys. 

At first, I thought, “well, maybe some of these fans were die hard and had custom-ordered John David Booty jerseys.” Then I drifted back to reality.

Why anyone would waste their time and money buying a Favre No. 4 jersey is beyond me. I might go as far as a T-shirt, but to spend $70-$80 on a guy’s jersey who is gone after one season (two at the most) is ludicrous to me.

That’s almost as dumb as the people in Buffalo who are buying Terrell Owens Jerseys.

I mean, when you buy a jersey there should be two criteria. First, they should be under 35. Secondly, it should be reasonably understood that they plan on staying for more than one season, something you can’t say definitively for either player.

If you can convince me that Brett Favre will play for three or four more years, then maybe I will back off a bit, but seeing as how that will never happen, I’ll keep my opinion heard.

In all actuality, I’m mainly using this recent Favre debauchery to bridge in my take about the situation in general.

Is anyone else as tired of this prima donna as I am? I didn’t think it was possible for a diva to wear Wranglers.

Brett Favre has to enjoy this, there really can’t be any other explanation for it. He has done it for the past three years, and will probably do it again next year in an effort to avoid training camp.

What is even more maddening is the media’s apparent man crush on Favre. The guy works out at a high school in Mississippi, and ESPN is sending arguably their hottest and best field reporter to cover it, Rachel Nichols.

I love ESPN as much as the next guy, but when the Astros, Yankees, and the rest of the MLB’s highlights are forcibly cut short to make room to watch high school kids dropping Brett Favre passes, it makes me sick.

As a Giants’ fan, I can’t wait until week 17 when Brett will have to fear the likes of Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck. At that point, hopefully Brett will regret his decision.

So here’s to you Diva…errrr Brett Favre, see you next year.

 

Favre, Vick, Cable: Hiss, Boo, Bah!

Michael Vick is a an Eagle. Brett Favre is a Viking. And Oakland coach Tom Cable is a pugilist. What type of reception can these three expect when they travel to enemy territory this season?

Wow! What a whirlwind of activity the last two weeks have been. A questionable signing, questionable behavior, and a questionable retirement have conspired to form a perfect storm of NFL lunacy.

First, Vick signed a two-year deal with the Eagles, making him the highest-paid, ex-highest paid quarterback in football. Clearly, it was in Vick’s best interest to sign with a team represented by an animal mascot. While PETA didn’t condone Vick’s signing, they did verify Vick’s assertion that “flipping the bird” causes no pain to animals.

Then Raiders coach Tom “The Bay Area Bomber” Cable reportedly punched assistant coach Randy Hanson, an allegation that, if proven to be true, would be the first instance of accuracy of anything thrown by a Raider in the last five years.

Finally, Brett Favre trumped the magnitude of those stories by signing with the Vikings, just weeks after indicating he would stay retired. Apparently, Favre’s word is as good as a Magic 8-Ball’s.

Favre further alienated Packer fans by stating that “true Packer fans” would understand his motivations and machinations. Fans responded that a “true Packer” would understand why he’s now an outcast in Green Bay.

Not that anyone should feel sorry for Favre. Should football not work out, again, he’s got that acting career to fall back on. Hollywood insiders are whispering that Favre’s in line to star in the next Batman movie, playing Batman’s villainous arch-nemesis, “The Waffler.”

So, where does that leave each team? Besides with less credibility? Well, for one, it leaves them open to ridicule from fans and public address systems of opposing teams. So, Vick, Favre, and the Raiders can expect to hear it loud and clear when they travel to some of the more hostile locales on their 2009 schedule.

When the Eagles travel to FedEx Field on October 26th to face the Redskins, you can best believe the speakers will be blaring ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me,” with Elvis Presley’s “Don’t Be Cruel” sure to follow.

Not only will the “Hogs” be represented in Washington, so will the “Dogs,” as Vick will certainly be teased with animated barks and cat calls.

And of course, you know some clever fan in Oakland’s Black Hole, where the Eagles face the Raiders in Week 6, will display a poster of a dog staring down Vick, with the words “Fido vs. Phi-Do.”

In the case of the Raiders, Cable’s punch is pure overkill. Obviously, there’s already enough material of which to ridicule the organization without coaches duking it out in a hotel room. Actually, Cable’s punch is decades too late; someone should have KO’ed Al Davis long ago.

As would be expected, Cable has refused to comment, or even acknowledge, the incident. Of course that’s no surprise, because the first rule of “Fight Club” is “you do not talk about Fight Club.”

Anyway, Oakland’s first away game on the slate takes them to Arrowhead Stadium, home of division rival Kansas City and their vocal fans. There, you can expect to hear Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” or LL Cool J’s “Momma Said Knock You Out.”

And since Cable slugged a coach named “Hanson,” wouldn’t Hanson’s “MmmBop” be an extremely fitting tune?

Minnesota opens the season in Cleveland Stadium, home of the Dawg Pound, where fans, upset at not getting a chance to rail on Michael Vick, will apply all their energy towards welcoming Brett Favre.

Cleveland fans have been known to toss foreign objects at opposing players, so Favre can expect to dodge a fair share of batteries, dog bones, beverages, and, in Favre’s case, probably the most apropos projectiles in NFL history, yo-yos. All of this as the Beatles “Let it Be” sets the mood from the PA system.

And it won’t get any easier for Favre when the Vikes head to Lambeau Field on November 1st. There, if Favre is, in fact, still playing, he can do so while the Packer faithful get a sarcastic kick from the sounds of the Captain and Tennile’s “Do That to Me One More Time.”

And to really get under Favre’s skin, Metallica’s “Unforgiven,” “Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me,” and U2′s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” would really have the former Packer second-guessing himself. And Tupac Shakur’s “I Get Around” couldn’t make him feel any better.

For those Packer fans still a little uneasy about criticizing the iconic Favre, Poison’s “Talk Dirty to Me” would point them in the right direction.

Finally, in the closing number, which would surely have all of Lambeau singing along, the speakers could blast Motley Crue’s “Shout at the Devil.”

Will Brett Favre Drive the Brad Childress Car Far?

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I’m gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I’ll love you

 

“Speaking of whether I ever punched a coach — I never drove anyone from the airport, either.” John Madden, from the New York Times NFL blog The Fifth Down, on Brad Childress being Brett’s chauffeur.

 

It seems Snake Stabler had to drive himself after all, eh?

Isn’t the Brad and Brett bonding all a bit weird? The whole coach picking up the aging Hamlet like QB at the airport thing?

Didn’t it seem strange?

It seemed almost a type of gleeful groveling. I mean, did the head coach clean his house and give him a back rub later?

Does Brett get breakfast in bed served by Brad?

If Favre gets such favors what does one do for Adrian Peterson? Carrying him around like a Caesar of old one hopes for the team success rests on his healthy wheels. 

And what of Sage who blew up from the southwest? Has he been reduced to a foot stool?

Isn’t it hard to picture a smiling Bud Grant picking Fran Tarkenton up at the airport, grabbing his bags, and shuffling him, a month or so late, to training camp.

Poor Joe Kapp likely had to run from the airport to the field in full pads—and like it.

Bud Grant was laid back about training camp but surely so laid back that he was a chauffeur.

Though maybe he should have driven Tommy Kramer around from time to time.

And I wouldn’t joke too much with Fran Tarkenton, either. That old purple player sounds like he wants to challenge Favre to a duel. 

They are both southern men so why not? It’s tradition after all.

What about a grinning Tom Landry, the fedora would fit a well dressed driver, picking up Roger Staubach at the airport and driving him about Dallas?

A big Landry smile and  a “Welcome to Dallas Roger your gonna love it here! Lily is fixing your room up right now!”

That’s what the Cowboys have those cheerleaders for, right?

Jim McMahon would have loved to scream “Hey Ditka easy with those damn bags and don’t tell me you forgot my beer cooler again! Ditka you dupe!”

Be careful driving with Ditka at airports though because he once got a DUI leaving the airport after the team returned from a rare victory in San Francisco. The coach consumed most of the victory wine, sang songs of victory on the planes loud speaker, and later ,as he was being handcuffed beside the highway by the police, listened to his players beep, beep, beep, their horns as they drove on by.

One wonders if Ditka’s mentor, Papa Bear Halas, ever played chauffeur for his prized players?

“Halas get your old ass over here I’m in a hurry!”

And wouldn’t Terry Bradshaw have loved to give Chuck Noll an easy Cajun grin and say “Coach can you slow it down a little. Road rage isn’t good for your blood pressure and can we grab some take out quick? The airplane service sure sucks. Come on Chuck give us a chuckle. Put on your happy face!”  

Bill Walsh once dressed as a hotel porter to welcome his players to their super bowl week hotel so perhaps he would drive a quarterback about but who would he pick up first Joe Montana or Steve Young?

Maybe Dan Marino could get away with shouting the airport “Come on Shula you pick me up in this piece of junk and I don’t want your boy carrying my bags. You do it…he’s just clumsy. I bet you never picked up Unitas in a junker like this.”

How about Phil Simms shouting “Where in the hell is the Tuna? I told him nine and I mean nine not nine fifteen!”

Maybe it will all work out in Minnesota.

Maybe Favre will be like a lost Lancelot arriving from the mythical mist at the nick of time to save his King from doom and gloom and finally bring a Super Bowl banner to the land of the lakes at last.

Or maybe it’s all a purple haze in Brad’s brain. Maybe lately things don’t seem the same. Maybe Brad’s just acting funny and he don’t know why.

Favre will likely fail.

It’s all in time for Brad Childress now. Nothing less then an NFC Championship game appearance, and maybe even a Minnesota win there, will stop Viking owner Zygi Wilf from taking what’s left of his coach’s scalp.

But Favre worked best under a highly disciplined, big boss man coach, like Mike Holmgren, who controlled his turnover making recklessness.

Can a chauffeur by a coach like that?

And  the quarterback was, of course, much younger then. Now he seems older and perhaps slightly insane judging by all  his waxing and waning in the media spotlight.

Or maybe Favre just hates the Green Bay Packers that much.

Or loves attention, and the money, that much.

Or maybe he is Mississippi mad.

Or a combination of all three.

Either way I see a slowed by age and injuries old quarterback, who missed most of camp, struggling with a new team and his own fading talent.

That dome turf is a hard, hard bounce.

And next year at this time a bruised, but retired, Favre will be sitting on his porch in Mississippi sticking pins in his Packer voodoo doll.

Favre will be working his best Cajun ju ju to jinx the Cheese-heads.

And if his mojo is really magical maybe Jay Cutler will go down next year and maybe the Chicago Bears will finally call him.

Maybe the Bears will bring him back from the swamps like the NFL’s Freddy Kruger for one more sequel.

One more shot ought to do it.

And Brad?

He’ll be driving himself somewhere.

Maybe Utah or Idaho to coach tight ends or quarterbacks after what is known as the Favre fiasco comes crashing down round him like the Hindenburg.

Brett will need a different driver to catch the plane back to Mississippi come cold January.

Maybe Bud Grant’s available.

 

Beep beep’m beep beep yeah
Beep beep’m beep beep yeah
Beep beep’m beep beep yeah
Beep beep’m beep beep yeah

Good Morning, Mr. Favre, Thanks For Disrupting My Life

Good Morning, Mr. Favre.

 

I have three issues I would like to discuss with you, if I may.

 

First, you have unknowingly disrupted my emotions.

 

I’m sure you are aware of the influence you have had on many throughout your career. John Madden has the biggest man-crush on you in the history of the human race, but who could blame him, seeing as how you became the first ever back-to-back-to-back MVP of the National Football League.

 

You brought glory back to Lambeau Field and the Green Bay Packers, and in so doing you captured the heart of a young man from the sunny south. Hey, that’s where you are from!

 

I still remember that Sunday afternoon early in your career as you battled the Dallas Cowboys in a playoff game.

 

I didn’t care for the Cowboys too much. I was more in tune with the likes of the Washington Redskins and Atlanta Falcons than any other teams at that time (of course, you left that team from the ATL whom you could have brought many championships!).

 

But nonetheless, you were wearing green and gold, and I knew from that day forward those colors would reside in my closet.

 

I cannot express my feelings in any other terms but these: you had me from the first touchdown pass I saw you toss to Mr. Sterling Sharpe.

 

I’m sure he would have loved to have shaken your hand following that great moment, but the numbness and shattered knuckles from the velocity with which you delivered that ball to him ensured that it would be difficult to wear rings on his fingers for the remainder of his days, not to mention presenting a simple gesture such as a hand shake to someone.

 

You brought home a Super Bowl victory and returned the Lombardi Trophy to its home.

 

I’m sure somewhere the frozen tundra became a little melted and sloshy from the warmness you placed in the hearts of Cheeseheads everywhere.

 

I know it certainly made my day when the New England Patriots fell to the mighty Packers, the legend himself, Mr. Reggie White, and my favorite athlete in the entire world: you, Mr. Favre!

 

Thank you for all the disrupted emotions. I will never be apologetic for one moment for moving forward in my life from the Redskins and Falcons to embrace the Green Bay Packers and the best quarterback I could ever imagine leading my team!

 

However, there are still two more issues I must discuss with you, the second being the fact that you have broken my allegiance.

 

Now, Mr. Favre, we all know how important allegiance is. As little children we pledge it daily at school to our great country.

 

I have always been loyal to what I believe is important and valuable to me. Therefore, a decision was forced upon me.

 

Although I felt that allegiance to the Packers was evident, I felt a greater allegiance to you. After all, you were the reason I fell for the Packers in the first place.

 

I’m sure you can relate to this. I witnessed your tears and emotions as you moved forward in your life and decided to commit to yourself more than you had committed to the Packers.

 

This is not shocking at all. Everyone must move forward with their lives at some point and embark on new adventures, in spite of the abhorrence humans have for change in their lives.

 

You committed to what you felt was best for you.

 

You moved on to New York when Wisconsin decided you were no longer good enough for them.

 

As a result, my heart moved with you. I still have a soft spot for the Packers, and wish them well in their contests. But at that moment, my heart was with you in the Big Apple.

 

This was easier than I first expected. Seeing as how another great quarterback led these “Titans” back in the day, the one and only Mr. Joe Namath, I made the decision to support the New York Jets.

 

You see, before he was “Broadway Joe” he brought glory to the Alabama Crimson Tide when he came to play for Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant. In fact, Mr. Joe “Willie” Namath was deemed the best athlete Coach Bryant ever coached.

 

Wow, what an accolade.

 

These truths carry much weight in my book of standards, because, you see, I’m from ‘Bama myself. And I love my Crimson Tide and the great legends who have worked to bring her glory throughout the years.

 

I have allegiance to them as well, wherever they travel in their lives.

 

But you know all about “Dixie’s Football Pride” yourself, don’t you, Mr. Favre? Yes, I believe you do. In fact, I believe you defeated the Crimson Tide while tossing the pigskin at Southern Mississippi.

 

When Mr. Namath left Tuscaloosa he went on to bring a Super Bowl to New York as he guaranteed and delivered a victory over the highly favored Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III. Thus, the Jets became the first team to win the Super Bowl besides the Green Bay Packers, your old team.

 

What a connection here.

 

So now, Mr. Favre, you came out of retirement to lead the same team Mr. Namath had led, and that was okay. My loyalty was with you all along.

 

You disrupted my emotions first, then you disrupted my allegiance, but it was all good.

 

Even so, one issue still remains, and that is the fact that you have disrupted my bank account.

 

How long, Mr. Favre, will you play these games of retirement, un-retirement, back to retirement, back to football, back to…stop!

 

Enough already!

 

The problem is, if you will remember from my earlier statement, my closet was adorned with Green and Gold (of course I have plenty of crimson in there as well). But last year, I was forced to shed the gold and change to a darker shade of green.

 

Now, you ask me to wear purple?

 

I cannot believe I’m even contemplating this. Purple reminds me of Barney the Dinosaur, little girls, and all the things that are not football. On top of just hating the color, I loathed the Vikings for so long!

 

In fact, was it not against those “Purple People Eaters” that you and Mr. Antonio Freeman hooked-up for one of the best plays in the history of the game of football?

 

On top of that, was it not also on Monday Night Football, one of the main stages of the great game?

 

Yes, I know it was. I was there watching. I remember thinking to myself that one of the greatest plays in the history of the game, one of the most remarkable catches in the history of mankind, had just unfolded before my very eyes.

 

It was my team who made the play, my favorite player who launched the pass to commence such greatness, it was against one of my team’s biggest rivals, and it gave the Packers the victory!

 

I could not have written a script greater than this.

 

Alas, my bank account is once again affected as I attempt to follow you on this roller coaster ride that you like to call “I’m just not done yet.”

 

And that is fine. That is your priority. You play until you arm falls off, they drag you off the field in a straight jacket, and are forced to carry you to a padded room somewhere in Mississippi. That is your prerogative.

 

I will follow you to the end, but please be aware that I may soon need you to furnish me with game day attire as my closet seems to be changing colors so rapidly now. That and the fact that my bank account has taken a hit with the combination of your desire to play for whoever will let you and the recession.

 

Well, at least you kept your same number.

 

And at least I am not forced to change all my security codes because some team couldn’t give you the “4.”

 

The mysteries surrounding your career are numerous: why your name is spelled Favre but pronounce Farve, why you play better in the cold weather, yet you are from the South, and why you play football in Wrangler jeans during your off-time.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter, Mr. Favre. Thanks for all the memories throughout the years. I hope all goes well with you this season.

 

Thanks for disrupting my emotions. Thanks for disrupting my allegiance. But no thanks for the purple I am compelled to adorn myself in this football season.

 

Forever your fan,

 

Tim Croley

Brett Favre Re-Retires During Introductory Press Conference (Humor)

Brett Favre was introduced to the media as the newest Minnesota Viking on Tuesday after signing a two-year, $25 million deal.

 

He then immediately retired again.

 

A tearful Favre kept his emotions largely in check during the announcement, but did break down one time when acknowledging the Vikings’ organization.

 

“I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, how grateful I am for my teammates, my coaches, and all the fans here in Minnesota that supported me as a Viking. I will never forget what you did for me.”

 

Favre’s comments were consistent with those he had made earlier in the press conference when he spoke about how excited he was to be playing for the Vikings and be cheered on by their fans.

 

He also made a special mention of John Madden and thanked him for his endless support over the years. “John, I will miss hearing you call the games as much as you’ll miss seeing me play.” He then added, “Ok, I won’t miss you as much as you miss me, but still.”

 

When asked about his latest retirement, Favre reiterated that his decision was final.

 

“My body is telling me, I think it’s time. I don’t want to be another athlete who just hangs on too long. I don’t want to embarrass myself out there.”

 

Favre was then asked again about his decision, to which he replied, “Yes, this is it. This is so difficult, but I’m doing what I feel is right.”

 

Favre was then asked the same question again, responding in an irritated fashion, “Yes I’m retiring, why do I have to keep repeating that? Don’t you believe me?”

 

Favre was then asked the same question approximately a dozen more times before the press was cut off from asking any more questions.

 

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf then pronounced that no Viking would ever again wear the No. 4 jersey that had been presented to Favre eight minutes before.

 

It was at this point that Favre finally broke down, the emotion of minutes as a Viking clearly overwhelming him. Everyone in attendance, following the unwritten rule that everyone in the media must love Favre, gave a standing ovation.

 

“What an honor,” he stammered, choking back tears. “I’m just so lucky to have been a part of this team. I’m lucky just to have played professional football, the game I love, for so long. I will miss it so much.”

 

Favre is expected to come back with another team later this week.

An Open Letter To Brett Favre [Humor]

Hey Brett,

Long time, no news. After months and months of glistening anticipation, me and every other football fan that isn’t from Wisconsin or Minnesota still doesn’t care.

You basically stabbed every diehard Brett Favre fan in the back by signing with the Vikings.

You should have stayed in the assisted living home and wore a cheesehead hat all season. Sure, Vikings’ fans would love to see you play for them, but does the fan base of Green Bay mean anything to you?

I am an Eagles’ fan and I am glad you finally let me and everyone else go unharmed from this hostage situation you called the offseason. I ripped off the duck tape that has covered my mouth and can finally smile because—like I said—I still don’t care.

You will probably start three games this season and then the Vikings will realize your diaper needs to be changed way too often.

Sincerely yours,

A fan from a team who can no longer sing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

What the Favre is Going On?

It is perhaps a dream come true and a nightmare at the same time.

Those who have followed my articles know my love for the indecisive Brett Favre. Though I am probably in the minority these days on wanting him back, my dedication doesn’t waiver, nor will it ever. Brett has had that much impact on not only the game of football, but the passion I feel towards the game.

Those are some big shoes to fill.

I don’t think the smile has left my face since I read Favre was hopping on a plane to Minnesota to sign those papers he just can’t seem to let go of.

On the other hand, the Minnesota Vikings are the one team I just can’t bring myself to root for. As a woman, we thrive on our emotions, so I am sure you can put together the pieces as to why I feel so strongly about this new development.

If you are still confused, you are just going to have to think about it a little harder. Ask your little sister what on earth I could be talking about; she could probably read between the lines. It’s a girl thing.

Listen, as far as Favre is concerned, I look at it like this. His legacy is already tarnished due to the debacle made last July between him and the big wigs over in Green Bay. It’s also not like he can have any worse of a season that he did last year; actually he isn’t John Kitna so I take that back/

Let’s be serious for a moment though. Brett actually has the team to take this further than he could have ever taken the Jets or the Packers. He’s got a running-back that can do hurdles over most linemen, without so much as trying. Additionally, both his offense and his defense are a team any quarterback would like surrounding them.

He’s got the team to take this all the way folks.

Love him or hate him, be prepared for a fun filled football season full of intensity, battles, drama and pride.

I’ve got some thinking to do now. Do I cave in and root for the dreaded Vikings who are my nemesis? Only time will tell, but I can tell you one thing; I definitely am looking forward to seeing no.4 play again.

Granted, not everyone feels the same way I do about this, but at this point, all you can really do is sit back on the sidelines and watch history happen. You may not agree with Brett or his decisions, but griping isn’t going to get you anywhere. I could mope that my favorite athlete is donning a purple and yellow jersey, team colors that I once thought were very lady like; however, instead, I am going to take the high road and try and make light out of a heavy situation.

A die-hard Patriots fan came up to me this morning and said, “I can’t wait for when Brady plays Favre”. I looked right back at him and grinned so big you could practically see the cavity I received when I was 12 years old. I replied back what every woman and some men would all be thinking, “Me too; I get to watch two of the best looking men in football on a field for three hours together, and quite frankly Cody, it just doesn’t get much better than that. Amen.”

Brett Favre: “My Wife Made Me Do It!”

Tavaris Jackson Kicks Wall In Frustration, Pursues Real Estate License

The Minnesota Vikings signed oft-retired, future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre to a one-year contract Tuesday, effectively ending quarterback Tavaris Jackson’s tenure with the team, if not the entire National Football League.  Ever mindful of making the most of an opportunity, Jackson has made the surprising decision to switch careers from NFL quarterback…to anything else.

“I ain’t playing no more,” Jackson said. “So I’s, you know, checking out a probicality of my future.”

For Jackson, new career opportunities abound.  The struggling third-year quarterback was seen Tuesday in the lobby of a local Edina Realty office struggling with the intricacies of a written job application.  At the time, Jackson declined comment to reporters, but later gave a statement in a hastily organized press conference in a nearby Burger King parking lot.  At least two local High School newspapers comprised the press corps.

“My brothers’ Baby Momma got her [real estate] papers, and it did real well for her,” said the alleged quarterback drafted with the 64th overall pick in 2006 by Minnesota.

Vikings head coach Brad Childress, speaking to the press regarding his retreat from an earlier statement that “…the door has been closed…” regarding the pursuit of Brett Favre, offered a one-word statement: “Duh”  Childress then rolled his eyes and demanded of reporters, “Next question!”

Speaking during a down moment in Tuesday’s practice session at the Vikings’ Winter Park facility in Eden Prairie, superstar running back Adrian Peterson told the Bleacher Report, “Woo!  Yes!  Yes!”  Peterson then thrust both fists in the air and began running around the practice field wildly.

Vikings fans, however, appear to be in shock, stymied at the very real prospect of having to now cheer for their former NFC North Division nemesis.

“Gosh.  I mean…what if Favre throws another interception in the ‘Dome?  Am I supposed to cheer, or boo?  Oh, fer Jeez,” said local septic truck driver, Sven Tolleruud, interviewed by Bleacher Report in front of Ole’s Tavern in Chisholm, Minn.  Tolleruud’s eyes then glazed over and he retreated to the the bar’s dank interior, which was visibly filled with stunned, mumbling Minnesota boosters.

As for Jackson’s prospects as a real estate agent in this troubled housing market, he is expected to, in his new field, mirror his success achieved in the NFL.

« Previous Page — Next Page »