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Brett Favre a Viking; Tarvaris Jackson On Suicide Watch (Satire)

In Mankato, the goal posts are down.

In preparation of the rumored signing of future Hall-of-Fame quarterback Brett Favre to the Minnesota Vikings, the team has taken a safety-first stance by removing from the practice facility all items they feel may be used by former starting quarterback Tarvaris Jackson to harm himself.

“It’s been difficult for everyone here,” said head coach Brad Childress while addressing the media. “But especially for Tarvaris. We just want to be sure he’s not going to do anything crazy.”

“Like try to play.”

The transition is far-reaching, as there is no longer any silverware in the lunchroom, the cleats have been removed from all the player’s shoes, and pants no longer have belts or laces.

“I can’t work like this,” complained star running back Adrian Peterson as he did morning calisthenics. “My pants keep falling to my knees. I mean, I look like a teenager at the mall.”

Only defensive end Jared Allen seems to be enjoying the new changes.

“This is great! It’s very freeing. Now my under-armor is my OVER-armor! Yippee!”

The coaching staff is hoping that these precautions will only be temporary.

Tarvaris Jackson himself was unavailable for comment and was last seen lying on the practice field in the fetal position while eating snickerdoodles out of a plastic sandwich bag.

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